somewhat bummed

I’m feeling a little bummed today. I guess it’s one of those days when I can’t really figure out what to do. I’m at a point in my life right now where I’m trying to let go of the past and move on. But you know how it is, sometimes we have this tendency to resist change. We’re reluctant to let go of something that we’ve been so used to, and try something else… something new.

I still consider myself to have no regrets in life what so ever. But I'm continuously finding myself disappointed by people or things and it's usually at my own fault, because I know better. But why do I continue to let myself get into situations that are so emotionally destructive? Why do I allow myself to do things that I know I shouldn't? For once it felt like my mind was fighting my heart and my heart won.That's honestly all too new to me. Normally my heart says one thing and my mind somehow wins the fight, reasons over feelings. But this time there was an uncontrollable pull and it's as if it wasn't even my heart winning the fight. It was something deep inside my core saying "this is wrong, but trust that you need to do it anyway."

And it got me hurt again? For what? I don't know. It's a strange feeling. This hollow emptiness that slowly killing me, this "something's missing" feeling, I just cant explain... it's as if I was once complete and now something's missing. It's like leaving the house for a trip and knowing you forgot something, but not being able to put your finger on it. And not finding out what it was until it's too late to go back for it.

I certainly hope it doesn't turn out exactly like that...

I'm not shining as normal.

I normally walk with my head up, Ive always been so proud to say that I have mastered the art of concealing my emotions when I need to...  I'm normally smiling for no reason at all.. but now it's hard to smile even when there is a reason.

I know it’s not healthy, and I know life is too precious for me to just “settle”. I’m trying to work through that and to remind myself always that change can be a good thing too. And that life without risks is not worth living anyway. There are days when I’m feeling all revved up and my mind is made up, and I’m ready to take the jump. But some days, it’s not so easy.
Nevertheless, it’s definitely something that I should continue to try to do. 
I really hate this feeling.