What do i really want?

For the longest time, i focused my life on the people around me.

I knew what they liked and what they wanted.

I knew exactly what they needed to be happy.

Their lives and their dreams were all that i could think about.

But what about me? What do i want and need? What makes me happy?

I never took that time to focus my thoughts on those important things.

So today it strikes me as sad that its taken me so long to stop worrying about everyone else and start concentrating on myself.

But changes happen in our lives, and we come to see reality face-to-face…

I am there.

I am ready to stop thinking about others’ happiness

and start focusing on my own

Today… i am thinking about what i want.

somewhat bummed

I’m feeling a little bummed today. I guess it’s one of those days when I can’t really figure out what to do. I’m at a point in my life right now where I’m trying to let go of the past and move on. But you know how it is, sometimes we have this tendency to resist change. We’re reluctant to let go of something that we’ve been so used to, and try something else… something new.

I still consider myself to have no regrets in life what so ever. But I'm continuously finding myself disappointed by people or things and it's usually at my own fault, because I know better. But why do I continue to let myself get into situations that are so emotionally destructive? Why do I allow myself to do things that I know I shouldn't? For once it felt like my mind was fighting my heart and my heart won.That's honestly all too new to me. Normally my heart says one thing and my mind somehow wins the fight, reasons over feelings. But this time there was an uncontrollable pull and it's as if it wasn't even my heart winning the fight. It was something deep inside my core saying "this is wrong, but trust that you need to do it anyway."

And it got me hurt again? For what? I don't know. It's a strange feeling. This hollow emptiness that slowly killing me, this "something's missing" feeling, I just cant explain... it's as if I was once complete and now something's missing. It's like leaving the house for a trip and knowing you forgot something, but not being able to put your finger on it. And not finding out what it was until it's too late to go back for it.

I certainly hope it doesn't turn out exactly like that...

I'm not shining as normal.

I normally walk with my head up, Ive always been so proud to say that I have mastered the art of concealing my emotions when I need to...  I'm normally smiling for no reason at all.. but now it's hard to smile even when there is a reason.

I know it’s not healthy, and I know life is too precious for me to just “settle”. I’m trying to work through that and to remind myself always that change can be a good thing too. And that life without risks is not worth living anyway. There are days when I’m feeling all revved up and my mind is made up, and I’m ready to take the jump. But some days, it’s not so easy.
Nevertheless, it’s definitely something that I should continue to try to do. 
I really hate this feeling.  

SCARS

Don't be judgemental

Look for and recognize the good in yourself and in others. We are all capable of so-called "good" and "bad" behaviors and we all have our "good" and "off" days. We are all unique and it is wonderful that we are different and not all the same - in our appearance, our thoughts, our opinions, our likes and dislikes. Being different is not threatening, it is not "bad", it is just "different". Embrace the differences and be happy for the variety. And pleasssseeee, forget the concepts of "right" and "wrong". People are not good or bad or right or wrong, they just are. If you were in "their shoes" maybe you would act differently, or maybe not. Being judgmental wastes time and cuts you off from opportunities and meaningful relationships - because you are NOT perfect either, and your judgment might be WORSE than the person's you are judging!

Never judge a book by it's cover.

Remember the GOLDEN RULE: We should treat others as we want to be treated.

Something to Ponder

The important thing is not to be bitter over life’s difficulties. Learn to let go of the past, recognize that everyday won’t be sunny and when you find yourself lost in darkness and despair, remember, it’s only in the black of night that you can see the stars and those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble, to fall… because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing things that scare you the most.

writing what i feel...

There was a time when I used to think that in order to write you just need a topic and a sense of direction. I am still being taught the ‘techniques’ to write,  the difference between active and passive writing and above all, the RULES to write, but I have learned that writing is not just about rules and logic, it is also about emotions. It comes from inside. It is something that you can't really learn. You can't learn to be creative, it's just there in a person and there is a time and place when it is going to come out. I get those days when I really want to write but can't get past a few words, and then there are those days that I am surprised by looking at how fast I can type. Sometimes my thoughts flow faster than my typing speed and it's hard to keep up with them. :)

I am an emotional person (very emotional). I normally do things with feelings. I can’t write if I can't feel it. I don’t want to write if I don’t feel it. My writings usually come from the heart and not from my mind. It is true that every writer/blogger has an inspiration, which he/she looks up to. It could be someone or something. For some, it is knowledge, for others it's the time of the day. Some are inspired by places like a beach or a particular store etc.. For me, it has always been LIFE, my life, my never ending journey, more failures and less successes and LOVE, for others friends, family (exist or may not exist) and love for myself.....

My purpose of blogging/writing is not to show how intellectual I am or to show that I'm right. Looking back on my life, I have been blessed to have the opportunity to do and see a variety of things.  So all my experiences led me to have definite understanding, opinions, beliefs and views on different stages and issues about life and love, that's why I understand  first before I comment.  I read or listen before I speak. And I believe it’s more beneficial to listen and learn from others’ experiences as well as their ideas, and to be open and humble enough to, if not accept or agree with, at least consider another way of doing or seeing things.

I like expressing myself silently instead of speaking out loud sometimes . Through this, I'm able to express myself without burdening anyone by asking them to listen to what I've got to say.

You may wonder why I write today. I write, simply because I feel like writing.